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As an editor here at HigherEdJobs, I’ve found that much of the advice on our website (intended for professional development) has also applied to my personal life.
I recently discovered that the opposite is also true. “Hidden” inside a parenting book I recently read are several concepts and frameworks that can make a difference in the workplace and the classroom.
In her book, “Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be,” Dr. Becky Kennedy acknowledged that while she wrote a parenting book, “at its core it’s a relationship book.”
“The principles I’m sharing with you apply to your relationships with your kids but also your relationship with your partner, your friends, your family…” she continued.
Her advice extends to workplace relationships, too. As you navigate the often-complex relationships in the higher ed workspace, here’s a broad look at some concepts from the book that you might find helpful.
Most Generous Interpretation
The guiding framework for the entire book — and the author’s approach to relationships — is that parents and children (and colleagues) are all good inside.
“Understanding that we’re all good inside is what allows you to distinguish a person (your child) from a behavior (rudeness, hitting, saying, ‘I hate you’),” she wrote. “Differentiating who someone is from what they do is key to creating interventions that preserve your relationship while also leading to impactful change.”
In other words, behavior does not equal character or identity.
Dr. Becky, a clinical psychologist, explained that it’s “easy — reflexive, even — to default to a less generous view” of people in difficult moments and label them as bad. She challenged readers, asking, “What if we saw behavior as an expression of needs, not identity?”
One tool to help you shift to this mindset is what she calls the “most generous interpretation.” In a difficult conversation, she recommends asking yourself, “What is my most generous interpretation of what just happened?”
This is helpful for two reasons. First, instead of reacting immediately or losing your cool, this question allows you to pause and reset. Additionally, it requires you to think about the motive behind the behavior (the other person’s needs).
Let’s say a colleague snaps at you when you offer feedback, essentially saying you can make the corrections yourself. You might instinctively think, ‘Whoa, he’s way out of line. What’s his problem?”
Using the “good inside” framework and most generous interpretation, after taking a deep breath or two, you might instead realize, “He’s upset I gave him some feedback and that he now has to make changes. He’s overwhelmed, and those feelings just blew up. I can understand how it feels when the stress becomes too much.”
In other words, this is likely a good colleague who’s having a hard time and you can respond with empathy.
Two Things Are True
Dr. Becky described this concept, also known as multiplicity, as “the ability to accept multiple realities at once.” She explained that this “ability to experience many seemingly oppositional thoughts and feelings at once — to know that you can experience several truths simultaneously — is key to our mental health.”
Here’s an example. Let’s say you pour your heart and soul into a proposal, and your department head lets you know there simply isn’t room in the budget this year, even though it was a great idea. “Hopefully next year!” she says.
Later, she notices you still seem dejected and says, “We just don’t have the budget this year. Don’t be disappointed — there’s always next year.”
This is what the book refers to as the “one thing is true” or convincing mode.
In this case, your department head is trying to convince you that you should be grateful your proposal is on the table for next year, while ignoring how devastated you are that it won’t come to fruition this year.
In contrast, using the “two things are true” framework, you can be grateful that your proposal was well-received and is still on the table for next year, while also feeling defeated that it isn’t happening sooner. Both things are true. Both feelings are valid.
A more appropriate response from your department head would have been to say, “We just couldn’t fit your project in the budget this year. Still, I understand how disappointing this is. I know how hard you worked on this proposal and how much it means to you.”
As Dr. Becky said, “At our core, we all want someone else to acknowledge our experience, our feelings, and our truths. When we feel seen by others, we can manage our disappointment, and we feel safe and good enough inside to consider someone else’s perspective.”
This idea of multiplicity has numerous applications in the workplace. It can help you:
- Say no to more work: You can be a good employee and still say no to more work.
- Tame your inner critic: You can make a mistake at work and still be a worthy employee.
- See other perspectives: Your truth and someone else’s are both valid. Using the “two things are true” framework, as opposed to the “one thing is true” or convincing framework, you can help build understanding and ensure both parties are seen, heard, and validated.
I have also personally found that reminding myself that two things can be true helps me to de-escalate. I can feel the physical shift as my body starts to calm, knowing there is no need for fight or flight.
Resilience Before Happiness
It’s common to hear parents say they “just want their kids to be happy.” As an adult, I often think this as well: “I just want to be happy. I just want things to be easy. Things would just be better if x, y, z…”
Instead, Dr. Becky recommends focusing on building resilience.
“When we focus on happiness, we ignore all the other emotions that will inevitably come up throughout our kids’ lives, which means we aren’t teaching them how to cope with those emotions,” she said.
The more feelings we can regulate and the more distress we can manage, the “more space we have to cultivate happiness,” she contended.
There will always be tough moments in our jobs and careers. Maybe you don’t get the job or promotion, perhaps you suffer a job loss, or maybe you’re struggling with a colleague or boss.
Being happy all the time simply isn’t possible, but “Good Inside” reminds readers that “a person’s most reliable path to happiness” is “successfully managing life’s many challenges.”
It also warned that tough moments are even worse in adulthood if we’re only focused on happiness because we think we’re doing something wrong when we can’t “find the happy” or get to a “better place.”
Focus on building coping skills rather than avoiding and distracting yourself from the discomfort.
Prioritize Self-Care
I’m a big offender of what Dr. Becky calls “selfless parenting,” the misconception that “once you’re charged with taking care of young children, you are no longer entitled to take care of yourself.”
She cautioned that this doesn’t help anyone, especially parents who “become depleted and resentful when they give so much of themselves without filling their own cups.”
This, too, happens in the workplace. Just as selfless parenting doesn’t help children (who notice their parents’ depletion and resentment), selflessness in the workplace doesn’t help our colleagues and students. We can’t pour from an empty cup.
If you feel guilty prioritizing self-care, start small. Do one thing for yourself, such as listening to a podcast or eating lunch away from your desk.
It’s also worth noting that your own self-care might inconvenience someone else. Don’t have time to chair that committee? Not in the headspace to offer mentorship at the moment? That’s okay.
Another person’s distress isn’t your responsibility, Dr. Becky said. You can still be empathic while setting a boundary for your self-care (remember the “two things are true” rule).
Final Thoughts
I bought “Good Inside” to aid me in my parenting journey, but I wound up learning a lot about myself and discovering several tools for navigating relationships in various spaces, including work. From being empathetic and seeing the good in others to helping myself set healthy boundaries and build coping skills, I found a gold mine of advice I can tap into. I hope some of these frameworks can help you as well.
