“Taking Empathy Too Far” – HigherEdJobs

Who would argue that empathy is a bad thing? Empathy is essential for difficult conversations to resolve conflict, address performance issues, and foster understanding across differences. Empathy has become a buzzword and cornerstone of many companies’ efforts to reengage the workforce during the pandemic, a rallying cry for HR professionals, and a valued response for furthering diversity efforts. But is there a limit? Can empathy be misplaced, overdone, counterproductive?

Let’s take a moment to appreciate the power of empathy. Being present, deep listening, and reflecting on what we hear and observe to demonstrate our genuine intent and desire to understand others’ experiences are essential tools to establish connection and help others find solutions. I couldn’t imagine the work and training I do in coaching, mediation, and dialogue facilitation without having empathy as a tool and teaching practice. But it’s the appropriate use of empathy that creates positive impact. We must recognize its limits. Perhaps we take empathy too far when it:

Consumes us. Many positions, such as in medicine, nursing, counseling, social work, law enforcement, and emergency response, require constant attention to the pain, struggles, and needs of others. Yet, many of us serve in roles where we are expected or are naturally inclined to be “helpers.” When constantly exposed to these experiences and called to respond, some experience “compassion fatigue” and go overboard and “take on” the pain of others, even though true empathy doesn’t require such commitment. When identifying too much, to the point of sharing others’ pain and misery, these helpers can experience emotional exhaustion, lose resilience, and struggle to cope. Worst cases compare to being traumatized. It is time to take a step back, engage in self-care, and, if necessary, seek support. If you feel you are “overdoing” empathy, realize that your ability to genuinely care for others will be compromised until you first take care of yourself.

Clouds our judgment. Empathy may be misplaced if it is directed at one individual or a singular set of circumstances to the exclusion of others or other circumstances equally worthy, or perhaps more worthy, of our focus and attention. Paul Bloom, author of Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion, argues that while empathy can lead to action supporting the suffering individual, it can lead to biased decisions that may clash with moral judgments and potentially cause harm. For example, the “identifiable victim effect” postulates that people are much more likely to extend support, such as charitable donations, to a visible beneficiary whose pain they can directly help eliminate than nameless abstract individuals also in need of support. Do you donate to support an ill child known to you who needs an expensive medical procedure when the same money could support a relatively inexpensive deworming program that would save many children in a developing country but who are nameless and abstract to you? Bloom notes that in the “politics of empathy,” “our concern for specific individuals today means neglecting crises that will harm countless people in the future.”

Perhaps the above example is too remote to relate to. More practically, consider decisions managers make that create inequitable results simply based on the proximity of one employee telling a compelling story when employees more removed from the manager suffer. Enabling and myopic leaders can be sucked in and buy the victim stories a bully tells, ignoring how the bully’s behavior negatively impacts other employees. The leader may even blame these other employees whose voices he or she has not heard, and for good reason – the bully has skillfully played the game to limit leader access to these employees or effectively persuaded the leader that these voices don’t count or shouldn’t be believed. We must guard against these effects by considering the full context as we listen and evaluating the potential impacts of our decisions accordingly.

Rings hollow and insincere. Empathic responses are appropriate actions when the recipient simply needs someone to be present, listen, and allow the person to process his or her experience. This can help them work through their concerns as a means of finding their own solutions. Other times, expressions of empathy can feel empty when not accompanied by more active support. This could mean exploring whether the recipient would like more support than simply talking things out with you. Offer to step in in some way, even if the person hasn’t asked directly because it feels uncomfortable or awkward. Don’t impose but ask if advice would be welcome and be ready to step back if not. Rather than ask, “is there anything I can do?” which can too easily elicit a prompt “no,” ask “what can I do?” or offer specific actions you could take, allowing the individual to decline if desired.

At a deeper level, expressions of empathy without deeper commitment can be perceived as self-serving and without intention to benefit the recipient. “Performative allyship” and “performative empathy” describe this form of non-empathy in which presumed white allies become vocal and seek to be noticed in support of marginalized groups. What is valued instead is active support, such as advocating for and working to change inequitable policies and systems, acknowledging privilege, and using it to speak out in support of less advantaged groups and individuals without presuming to speak for them, and sharing power and opportunity – and all without expecting recognition, attention, or praise.

True empathy in this regard may entail not knowing, not understanding, and not speaking – and feeling awkward and uncomfortable about it because “living in another’s skin” and understanding their experiences with racism is simply not possible. Bloom and others instead advocate for compassion and kindness and note that, “[w]ithin organizations, rather than trying to feel what the other person is feeling, we should be focused on how to mitigate and repair the harm inflicted on the most marginalized employees.” There are plenty of actions we can take to support racial justice.

Empathy is about putting others above ourselves. If you can provide empathy without letting it consume you or affect your objectivity with a focus on meeting others where your support is needed most, you are on the right path.