Rules for Fair Fighting at Work

In Fostering Constructive Conflict Engagement in the Workplace, I discussed conditions for enabling individuals and groups to work through their conflicts when the finality of complete resolution isn’t imminent. I provide here some practical considerations for individuals and teams experiencing ongoing conflict.

Constructive conflict engagement contemplates the reality that not all conflict can or necessarily should be resolved — at least not now and, in some cases, perhaps ever. In the workplace context, when employees are unable to readily find common ground with one another or are not inclined to do so, their leader, team, and organization should not be expected to tolerate unprofessional behaviors as the dispute continues.

Employees will fight, which, if not ideal, is nonetheless a condition of human interaction. Not all conflict is bad and, in fact, may be necessary to bring individuals — eventually — to greater understanding and collaboration to achieve better results. But while they fight, they need guardrails. If organizations, leaders, and team members must implicitly tolerate their conflict, employees in conflict must respect these guardrails or accept the consequences that follow. If they must fight, they must fight fairly.

If this applies to you, consider these guardrails as you engage in unresolved conflict with others:

Take responsibility for your actions, reactions, and emotions. No matter how aggravated and annoyed you may be with another person, you can only control how you will behave and respond. If the person is accusatory, manipulative, abrasive, or exhibits other inappropriate traits, avoid reacting in kind. For matters to ultimately change in your relationship — if they will — one of you must be the first to be an adult, so perhaps that should be you. Don’t allow yourself to be sucked into the negative behaviors and mindsets perpetuated by this person, and maintain your professionalism and integrity at all costs.

Talk directly with the other person before going to others for help. Make every attempt, within reason, to communicate with the other person to address your concerns. Use tools and strategies for engaging in difficult conversations. Maintain objectivity and a reasoned approach. If matters escalate to a point where respect and decorum cannot be maintained (presumably by the other person), find ways to excuse yourself, call a truce, or suggest a break before returning to discuss matters in a calmer manner. Better to walk away than get caught behaving in ways you’ll regret later. If your efforts prove unsuccessful, at least you have a basis for claiming you’ve made efforts on your own before seeking the support of others, such as your supervisor or HR.

Manage your interactions with others when discussing your concerns. It is easy to become frustrated and, as a means of blowing off steam, engage in passive-aggressive behaviors, sarcasm, negative comments, and other behaviors when talking with others about your experience with the other person. Generally, with uninvolved third parties, if the person’s name comes up in conversation, speak only to the person’s positive attributes if you can, or remain silent. With your supervisor or others whom you approach for assistance, express your concerns in a fact-based, objective manner, expressing why the experience is making it difficult to work with the other person and requesting what support you would like to address the matter. Don’t undermine the other person through negativity and attacks, as tempting as this may be, as it compromises your professionalism and integrity.

Realize you have a job to do — and do it. Regardless of the difficulties, your supervisor, team leaders, and others have expectations for you to perform your duties. Many won’t know, much less care, about the challenges you are facing when working with the other person. As noted above, make every effort to communicate and speak directly with the other person or to be able to say you did. This is not to say it is entirely your job to achieve a result that also depends on this uncooperative person. In this case, doing your job means seeking the support of others and explaining how the problem impacts your work.

Don’t stuff it. An avoidant strategy won’t work. Allowing your conflict to fester, leaving you to cope with no means of support, is not only unproductive in achieving work and organizational goals, but is unhealthy. If your situation is untenable because it appears support from your supervisor or within the organization is not available, it may be time to consider other options. Before you do, realize you always have choices and can proactively plan a course of action. That plan may include utilizing both self-help measures for receiving advice and coaching and internal organizational supports beyond the traditional realm of HR.

Establish rules for fair fighting with the other person. Not all people with whom you are in conflict are dysfunctional and lacking in professionalism. They, too, will recognize the value of maintaining respectful communication, managing emotions and reactions, and working together if only because of the consequences for not doing so. In these situations, consider openly discussing basic rules and parameters for interacting while acknowledging ongoing disagreement. Discuss processes for meeting and talking through issues, establishing agendas to keep on track with business issues, and setting parameters when disagreements and emotions arise. Discuss what you’ll do when matters escalate, such as signaling with an agreed-upon word or phrase (“truce,” “hold on,” “let’s take a break”) or (appropriate) hand gesture. Establish mechanisms for stepping away, such as short breaks or, if matters are more heated, bringing in your supervisor or trusted colleague to referee. Agree on transparency, such as ensuring that neither will talk out of turn or run to the supervisor or others without first attempting to address their concern with the other.

I’ve called these rules for fair fighting, but the more we seek to establish guardrails when conflict exists and continues, the more we may find our “fights” deescalate to a point where cooperation and the management of conflict are part of our standard, everyday, healthy work interactions.