by Daniel B. Griffith
Andrii Yalanskyi/Shutterstock
In media, politics, and society, conflict is often portrayed as inherently adversarial with winners, losers, and disputants steadfastly committed to keeping conflict alive. We also hear positive stories of people committed to engaging in collaborative processes to find common ground.
What’s the difference? What keeps conflict alive? What allows it to resolve or at least dissipate?
The causes of conflict are too complex to suggest one answer or one simple change that will lead to resolution in all cases. Yet, a good candidate is how we perceive, or more accurately misperceive conflict, others involved in the conflict, and possibilities for resolving it.
Conflict is a natural and necessary part of life and work. Conflict resolution is possible when we recognize that conflict is neither good nor bad, but an opportunity to learn and grow and achieve better results than we could ever imagine on our own.
Yet, our perceptions keep us entrenched, forestalling possibilities for early resolution and causing conflict to escalate. How we perceive a situation informs how we deal with it. While our perceptions are informed by our experiences, values, culture, and other considerations — and are neither right nor wrong — they can explain how and why individuals remain embattled. Conflict resolution involves unpacking these perceptions and considering whether they are based on reliable, valid information.
Defining Conflict
In teaching negotiations and conflict resolution, I offer the following definition of conflict consistent with similar definitions in literature.
Conflict involves a situation in which the concerns of two or more interdependent people:
- Appear to be incompatible
- And parties often perceive there is competition (win-lose) for resources
We know we are in conflict when you need something from me or I from you, and we haven’t managed to work through the matter to address our mutual needs. We are interdependent.
What keeps our conflict alive is the feeling that our needs, interests, and goals are wholly incompatible and that any attempt to discuss the matter will result in a fight where one will win and the other lose. Depending on how you perceive the fight, you will either be overly aggressive, determined to come out on top, or defeatist, hoping to lose as little as possible. In either case, engaging in the matter is not fun.
But note the operative words “appear” and “perceive.” We either avoid conflict or handle it poorly because we fail to openly communicate, help each other understand our true needs and interests, and dare learn there is more compatibility and more to talk collaboratively about than we thought. But that’s asking a lot if we remain imprisoned by our unexplored beliefs.
Understanding Conflict Misperceptions
Four common distorted beliefs we hold about conflict are that:
- The conflict is inherently competitive, not cooperative. Based on “social interdependence theory,” we are interdependent when we have common goals, and our individual outcomes are dependent on the other’s actions. Cooperative interdependence occurs when we work together to accomplish these goals, and competitive interdependence occurs when we work against each other. Though the former is possible, we often enter conflict perceiving the latter is our only option.
- The other disputant is “other than.” I must be right, and you must be wrong. How can it be otherwise? Of course, you feel the same way. When conflict escalates, these distortions intensify as we develop even deeper negative feelings about each other. I see you as “the other,” or worse, “evil,” “immoral,” “dishonest,” and so forth. Essentially, you aren’t human which makes it easier for me to justify my actions.
- The other disputant is to blame (or more to blame). Seeing you as the other also allows me to blame you and absolve myself. I may understand that I bear some responsibility, but my culpability doesn’t compare to yours or can be explained or excused based on your greater culpability or your actions that caused me to act as I have.
- Cooperative processes aren’t possible or effective. Perhaps we tried cooperation, but it didn’t last. Perhaps we didn’t know how to engage in cooperative processes because we’ve been acculturated to behave in a competitive manner. Perhaps we felt taken advantage of. Whatever the reason, our mindset precludes possibilities for cooperation.
Redefining Conflict
One way we overcome these distortions is by reframing the conflict in a way that allows us to find meaning and possibilities for addressing the conflict differently.
Absent communication and legitimate attempts to understand one another, we may think the worst of each other. Talking honestly may open doors to validating views we initially thought untenable, acknowledging our humanness, and finding common ground.
Absent communication and understanding, I may vilify you as a harsh, discriminatory supervisor after issuing discipline I perceive as unfair, and you may see me as a hopeless scofflaw. We both keep HR busy with endless grievances and progress discipline actions. Talk and you may learn how much I’ve been struggling with personal problems, and I may realize how anyone in your shoes may act the same if I’m unwilling to meet and ask for support.
You may place your conflict on more constructive footing if you:
- Consider a different interpretation. Is it possible your hurt has affected your objectivity? That’s human. Ponder new ways of looking at the conflict that balance responsibilities and changes you each can make, not that burden the other person alone.
- Initiate conversation. Don’t expect the other person to do so. Be the first grown-up, if necessary. Offer to talk and suggest more productive rules for engaging.
- Invite dialogue and commit to listening. Demonstrate you truly want to understand their perspective before offering your own.
- Acknowledge misunderstandings. For example: “I suppose I didn’t understand that at the time,” or “you’re right, I was so focused on my own concerns.” Even small concessions can help them let go of resistance and take ownership as well.
- Offer a balanced reframe. For example: “Perhaps your stress caused you to feel you couldn’t speak up, while my stress in meeting team goals made me seem dictatorial and unapproachable. What do you think?” Reframe to humanize the conflict.
- Seek third-party support. Mediators help individuals overcome conflict misperceptions and explore new paths, particularly when they’ve struggled to do so on their own.
How long have you endured your conflict? What are you missing? Are you being fair to the other person, much less yourself, by holding on to misperceptions that serve only to keep you stuck?
