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Have you ever been asked, “What do you want on your pizza?” at a work lunch and responded, “I’m easy; any topping is fine.”
I didn’t realize until recently that this response could be interpreted as indecisive or noncommittal.
This was one of the many eye-opening things I learned from attending a webinar, “Overcoming Traditional ‘Girl Rules’ Holding You Back,” earlier this year by Dr. Stacee Santi, a veterinarian and startup founder. The speakers shared obstacles they’d overcome and things they had done in the workplace that they felt prevented them from advancing in their field.
Though geared towards women, the presenters shared lessons that everyone, including higher ed professionals, regardless of gender or identity, could use a reminder about. Santi’s new book on the topic was published Nov. 6.
After graduating with a degree in veterinary medicine from Colorado State University in 1996, she joined the trenches on the front line, where she primarily worked with women. The number of females in veterinary medicine has been climbing for years. Harvest Public Media reported in February 2024 that nearly 84% of the veterinary medical class of 2027 will be women.
When Santi became the managing veterinarian at a clinic, she worked with the corporate office and mostly men. Similarly, when she launched a mobile app, Vet2Pet, in 2015, and worked on partnership and distribution deals, she dealt primarily with men. At that time, she said she started to notice things that women do in the workplace that can hold some of them back.
Santi shared six things that some women might do regularly without considering the consequences. Do any resonate with you? Full disclosure: I’ve struggled at different points in my life with at least four of the six items on the list.
- Be decisive. From her youth, Santi said she was taught to go with the flow and let others help her decide what she’s doing. You’re not popular if you are labeled as “bossy.” As a child, she learned to take a back seat. But then, she realized that people might see her as a follower. Santi shared the example of ordering pizza at the office. “What kind of pizza do you want?” she asked. “Most of the people say, ‘I like anything,’ instead of saying, ‘I like pepperoni and black olives with thin crust.'” Even though it’s small, it says to the world is, “I’m here, and I’ve got something to say,” Santi said. Make as many decisions as you can every day.
- Know your numbers. When you don’t know the math in your life, it’s a problem. Santi said you have less confidence and are not in control of your destiny.
A company interested in buying her startup asked Santi, “What’s your number?” She needed to produce a figure and admits she had not previously considered the need for that. “I was thinking, ‘Who would ever want to buy my company?'” she said.
- Ask For What You Want. Oprah has a saying — many people don’t know what they want in life.
As Santi explained, many people, particularly women, believe that we should wait to be spoken to and that people will reward us at work by giving us a promotion or raise. But this is not what our male counterparts do. They ask for what they want.
Research backs this up. Indeed surveyed 14,500 women across 11 countries, including the U.S., and found that 45% of women are uncomfortable asking for a pay raise or salary increase.
Santi saw this firsthand while conducting performance reviews. When she asked female employees what they were looking for in a raise, they responded, “I don’t know. What are my options?” On the flip side, the men on her team would say, “I want $5 more an hour,” or “I want more vacation time.” Santi said it’s important to remember that you are your best advocate. “You have to ask for what you want,” she said. “Don’t worry if you come across as assertive or demanding. You want to do it so that you can move forward.”
- Let It Go. Do you remember being self-conscious as a young adult and dissecting every detail of every interaction? If you are still doing this, Santi said that this behavior could, unfortunately, lead to creating a Lifetime movie script in our heads. Women who dissect other’s actions in the workplace tend to sabotage themselves. Did someone give you a strange look in a meeting? Nip it in the bud, address it if necessary, and remove the drama.
- Share Your Opinions. There are lots of women who don’t feel comfortable sharing their opinions in meetings, and in daily life. But after the meeting, people will say, “That’s exactly what I was thinking.” Women often don’t feel strong enough or empowered to share their opinions, Santi said.
In what author Deborah Tannen described as a now-classic study, researchers Barbara and Gene Eakins recorded seven university faculty meetings. They found that, with one exception, the men at the meeting spoke more often and, without exception, spoke longer. The longest comment by a woman at all seven gatherings was shorter than the shortest comment by a man, Tannen said.
- Stop Over-Apologizing. Santi said there are many women that apologize on a regular basis when it’s not necessary. As young girls, it almost became part of our vocabulary without thinking about what the words meant. Unfortunately, saying “sorry” when it’s not needed can make you come across as insecure and not confident.
Stop apologizing for situations out of your control. If someone is sick — don’t say you’re sorry. Instead, say, “I hope you’ll feel better soon.”
Don’t apologize for everyday actions or when you’re trying to be assertive and feel uncomfortable. You’ve no doubt heard someone say, “I’m so sorry; can I ask you a question?”
If you’ve done something horrible, you should apologize. But if you feel the need to apologize because you forgot to send a spreadsheet to a coworker last night, find other words.
Santi encouraged webinar attendees to find their power and nurture their self-confidence.
“Everything you need to be successful, you already have it,” she said. “It lives inside of you; you just have to tap into it.”
