by Daniel B. Griffith
Nadya_Art/Shutterstock
The words out of our mouths or on a page have meaning, but how the words are conveyed clarifies the true meaning behind our words.
If I emailed you to set up a meeting, stating “I look forward to seeing you,” then said upon meeting, “I’m glad to meet you,” this seems friendly enough. But if my greeting lacks energy, I show up in rumpled, unprofessional attire, stare with daggers in my eyes, convey a hostile tone, and offer a weak handshake, you will trust these negative nonverbal messages over my initial, positive words.
To be trusted communicators, we must understand the complex nature of our messages. Beyond the verbal component, we must attend to our nonverbal messages conveyed through facial expressions, eye contact, and body movement, and paraverbal messages conveyed through tone, rhythm, pitch, and other emphasis, which give deeper meaning to our words.
Congruent vs. Incongruent Messages
In conversation, particularly when we disagree or are in conflict, we take more meaning from one another’s nonverbal and paraverbal communication than our verbal messages. This is the challenge of congruent communication. If my nonverbal and paraverbal messages are incongruent with my words, I violate trust. From the example above, you will feel that I never looked forward to seeing you, am not glad to meet, and don’t really care about you. If I attempt some measure of professional appearance, smile, give appropriate eye contact, convey a friendly tone, and offer a firm handshake, I build trust, leaving you at ease to engage in further conversation.
Congruence is the alignment of our words, body language, and tone of voice. It is a barometer by which we gauge whether our discourse is civil and productive. Incongruence occurs when these three channels of verbal, nonverbal, and paraverbal communication are not aligned. It is among the many barriers to authentic civil discourse I have discussed previously.
Incongruence can occur either because the message sender is intentionally sending a confusing or untrustworthy message or the recipient is misperceiving it as such, intended or not by the sender. Determining intent and clarifying misunderstandings can be tricky.
The Nonverbal Component of Our Message
There are many ways in which we convey meaning through nonverbal communication. We communicate through our proximity to another, the manner of our touch, facial expressions and eye contact, physical movement, speech quality, and even physical appearance and how we perceive and treat time and the physical environment when interacting with others.
We can easily misinterpret these messages and make misguided assumptions. Consider eye contact. We may feel someone is not giving good eye contact because they are looking down all the time. This could be disrespectful or due to cultural influences. Perhaps the person is casting their eyes downward as a sign of deep respect and deference to the other person who they view as being more senior in position or based on age.
Consider touch and proximity. How close a person sits or stands to another — near or far, sitting next to or across a table, etc. — and how they touch to acknowledge, comfort, get attention, or convey affection may be perceived as welcome or offensive. One person perceives their relationship as more intimate than the other. One has greater comfort sitting close or touching without thought of greater intimacy based on cultural understandings whereas the other signals alarm based on their experience and culture.
As communicators, we must continually learn the complexities and dynamics of nonverbal communication and be astute and humble about the possibilities of getting it wrong at times. This requires care in how we utilize nonverbal signals to convey the true intent of our messages. We must also remain tentative and questioning about these signals from others, giving the benefit of the doubt, making appropriate inquiry about another’s meaning, and avoiding assumptions without exploring more deeply.
Paraverbal Communication
We must also tend to tone of voice and other paraverbal language — the groans, grunts, heavy sighs, volume, articulation, rhythm, pitch, and so forth. These put meaning around the words and convey the speaker’s attitudes and feelings about their message. When someone seems straightforward but puts a certain tone, rhythm, or pitch to their message, we suddenly sense a whole different meaning, such as innuendo or sarcasm.
We can readily perceive incongruence, for example, in the all-too-common avoidant personality who will say, “sure that’s okay,” “I agree,” or, “yeah, we can go there,” when their inflection, quiet tone, and heavy sigh (often accompanied with visible discomfort) project passivity, disappointment, or even fear. We must take a step back to confirm if the issue in question really is acceptable or, more likely, explore it further to ensure the person feels heard and supported.
Emphasis of specific words in a sentence also leads to doubt about a person’s true meaning. When you say, “that plan is wonderful,” your exclamatory utterance may convey true enthusiasm, whereas a dejected tone conveys worry or disappointment, and an exaggerated emphasis conveys sarcasm. Similarly, you may have plausible deniability when you claim, “I never said you are an idiot,” if proof in written or recorded form is absent, but your word emphasis strongly implies you believe that I am.
When we become frustrated during conversation, misuse of tone and paraverbal messaging leads us to take cheap shots to convey sarcasm or annoyance, which only exacerbates the trust we are trying to establish. We must avoid slipping into easy and sloppy language and tonal choices and overreacting to such behaviors in others. These moments call for taking a step back, working to address misunderstandings, agreeing to correct them, and committing to a more thoughtful, calm, and respectful manner of discourse moving forward.
Stop Relying on Words Alone
Some claim, in effect, “my words were clear — I mean what I say,” suggesting that no further clarity is needed to support what they say. But we don’t speak in deadpan or behave like automatons. Strive for congruence in your messages and tend to the total message of others if you want to be an authentic, trusted conversationalist and communicator.
