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“Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak
Whispers the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.”
-Shakespeare, “Macbeth,” Act IV, Scene iii
One of the hardest things in life is to grieve the death of a friend, family member, or companion animal. Whether the loss is sudden or expected, a range of emotions and reactions are common: fear, sadness, exhaustion, frustration, anger, confusion, and more.
Many people find it difficult to work during periods of deep grief, but the necessary time off is often not possible – the U.S. has no legally enshrined bereavement leave, and HR policies (if they exist) vary widely.
In higher education, there is pressure to push through mid-semester adversity, and part-time and other contract employees may not have any leave at all, potentially forcing them to work during a personal tragedy. Even with a short bereavement leave, the return to work after loss can be challenging and disorienting. Higher ed is sometimes a lonely and alienating place, and the unique demands of academic work are especially difficult to manage while dealing with the cognitive effects of grief.
So, what can we do to support grieving coworkers? It all starts with creating a trauma-informed workplace where folks feel comfortable discussing death and loss in a direct, honest way. Many universities are aware of trauma-informed practices, but the degree to which this ethos is executed in work environments is highly variable. Here are a few simple things you can do if you have the emotional capacity to help a colleague in distress.
Offer to Listen
While it may sound simple or even trite, lending your ear to a grieving coworker is one of the most powerful ways that you can support them during a difficult time. Offering to listen is a form of acknowledgement that lets your colleague know that it is safe to grieve, that you don’t expect them to be “okay,” and that you are available for more substantial support if needed.
Since people in mourning may be distracted, it is appropriate to check in a few times with your offer to chat – but don’t be pushy. Many people will not be ready to talk for several weeks or even months after experiencing trauma or loss. If you do engage in a conversation with your grieving coworker, try to practice active listening strategies: ask open-ended questions, use neutral but engaged body language, and validate the speaker by repeating and rephrasing what they’ve just said.
Share Your Story
Another way to support a grieving colleague is to normalize discussions of loss by sharing your own experiences. This practice lets your coworker know that they are not alone and serves as a gentle reminder of the universal experience of death. Of course, there is a small danger that sharing your story could be interpreted as self-centered or inconsiderate, so remember your active listening techniques during this moment and watch the body language and facial expression of your coworker. If it doesn’t seem like the right time, pull back and refocus on their experience and needs.
Hopefully, sharing your story will inspire others in your workplace to do the same. This type of existential commiseration can be a practice in community care, something that is critically needed in higher ed right now. “Care” might look different in each unique institutional context, but the core principle is recognizing the humanity of our colleagues and prioritizing emotional wellbeing over labor output.
Be an Advocate
In a 2023 TEDx Talk, Meghan Riordan Jarvis warns about “The Dangers of Neglecting Grief in the Workplace.” Jarvis pointed out that failure on the part of employers to acknowledge the complexities of the grieving process can lead to miscommunication, resentment, and even burnout and quitting.
Do you think your workplace is currently engaged in “grief-informed” practices? If so, where is there room for improvement? If not, how might you raise this concern with leadership and encourage them to allocate resources for trauma support? Be an advocate to help make your workplace a safer place to grieve.
One constructive activity that you can suggest for your department or institution is to craft what Jarvis calls a “grief-related mission statement” that will articulate goals and best practices for supporting coworkers after trauma or loss. When people have the ability to read and reference these tips in a concrete way, it cuts down on confusion and keeps everyone on the same page during stressful times.
What Can We Gain from Loss?
Experiencing loss is never easy, and trying to maintain a “normal” work life while grieving is almost impossible. Due to persisting taboos around death and mourning, the expectations for return to work are often unrealistic and potentially harmful. But a trauma-informed, grief-aware work environment can make all the difference in supporting our colleagues’ mental health. If we can “shift the culture around grief and loss,” as Jarvis put it, we might gain valuable perspective and connection through shared experiences and mutual support.
